I was under the impression August 28th would be the typical college move-in day — get situated in the dorm, unpack a bit, go out for a goodbye dinner with your parents, hang out with some friends you haven’t seen in awhile, and sleep in your freshly made bed… in your dorm.
My day, on the other hand, deviated from this norm at the goodbye dinner.
My family went out to eat at a restaurant which I have eaten at before, twice in fact, with no issues. I ordered the exact same thing I did the previous two times, gave the waiter my typical food allergy spiel, and was eager for the last supper before months of dining hall food.
The only difference was that the salad I ordered didn’t come out with the main dish.
It wasn’t a big deal, but I politely reminded the waiter and the presumably safe salad was brought out shortly after. I can’t pinpoint the precise moment I felt a reaction coming on, but as soon as I did I knew the odds were it wouldn’t end well.
I waited until we left to turn to my dad, “Hey, do my lips look puffy to you?”
Considering before this the only anaphylactic reaction I had ever had that was severe enough to require the epipen and a trip to the hospital transpired before I was even 2 years old, I figured the worst that could happen was I get a bit sick, have some Benadryl, and take it easy that night.
Boy, was I naive.
As soon as we got back to my dorm I knew something was really wrong.
I felt hot all over. My face and ears and neck were turning a bright fire engine shade of red. I started scratching at my skin. I retreated to the hallway bathroom where I proceeded to throw up the dinner I was so excited to have, realizing just getting the food out of my system wasn’t going to cut it this time.
When someone goes into anaphylactic shock, it’s a tell tale sign you need to use the epipen if they start experiencing a reaction in more than one body system.
At this point, I certainly was.
Between throwing up, swollen lips, and inflamed skin, I definitely accounted for multiple body systems — even my circulatory system reacted, turning my fingers and toes a deep blue.
It was at this point that we drove to urgent care, which thankfully is only a quick 5 minutes down the road, where they administered the epipen on site.
Honestly, the epipen was the easiest part of this whole nightmare. It was the rest of the night and the anxiety that followed me in the coming months like a shadow that made this experience so impactful.
What is the epipen exactly?
Epinephrine. Essentially pure adrenaline to shock your body systems into reviving.
I suppose there’s never a good way to experience your first ambulance ride…uncontrollably shaking from head to toe from epinephrine is one way to do it though.
My mom met me at the hospital, where we learned I would have to stay to be monitored for the next four hours.
Those four hours felt like forever in the moment, but little did I know it would take me much longer than a mere four hours to get over this reaction.
Ultimately, the epipen did it’s job and I was released after midnight with some follow up steroids to take for the next few days. My parents and I crashed in a hotel room, and I woke up the next day still struggling to grasp the events of the previous night.
My family stuck around for awhile that day to make sure I was as okay as I could be before driving the hour and a half home.
I was okay, really, I felt perfectly fine.
The hardest part was yet to come.
The reaction confounded me as I knew I had not ingested any direct allergens, which means the culprit was cross contamination. This is not uncommon in a restaurant setting, and unfortunately not uncommon at college either.
Because I couldn’t directly distinguish what sent my body into complete and utter haywire, I lost trust in everything.
It was so, so hard for me to eat on campus. I was constantly worried about cross contamination at every turn.
I would agonize over examining all my food, and ate extremely slowly in order to test the waters and observe any symptoms. I was so anxious that it became nearly impossible to deviate anxiety symptoms from actual anaphylactic symptoms — it was a mess.
The salad dressing was no longer labelled at the Roost so I couldn’t trust they gave me a safe dressing. What if someone touched this plate or this utensil with a hand that wasn’t clean of allergens? What if yogurt somehow made its way onto the berries, or the tongs for the salad bar were switched? Etc. Etc. Etc.
All I wanted to do was eat at home, where I knew everything would be safe. But I refused to let myself retreat, as I knew in the long run it would only exacerbate my anxiety — it sounds overly dramatic I know, but this was something I had to face.
Although I’ve taken steps to speak with dining hall managers about cross contamination, discovered safe foods I can make in my dorm that don’t bring me any unease, and have even gotten to a place where I feel comfortable eating out again, I still am faced with trepidation.
It’s hard to have a reaction from cross contamination because there’s no “fix” or any clear thing you can do better.
It’s frustrating.
I honestly thought I was going crazy, and didn’t even know PTSD from anaphylactic reactions was a real and commonly held experience until I read a post from Everyday Allergen Free, which I’ll link here:
Living with reaction PTSD hasn’t been easy, but it’s given me a completely new perspective on allergy life.
Plus, feeling this way has been the catalyst for this blog!!! Which is definitely a silver lining :)
Thank you for reading a longer post, I just thought it might be valuable to explain what sparked the idea and how we got here in the first place!!
Looking forward to sharing more of my experiences with allergy anxiety, eating out, college dining, and other reactions in posts to come :)
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